Married girls are in 'home crisis'?

This may not be true in the case of every married girl. Just that I came across the topic some days back and few questions that I couldn’t answer and so I am writing about the same. This is not a feminist post. This is for all those married men who come across the same situation. And, last but not the least – this is not based on my/my wife’s  situation completely!
A gal who is born and brought up by her parents in a house which becomes her home eventually. She is sent to her husband’s house after the marriage to live with him & his family. In the new house, the girl & in-laws thinking doesn't match. Both of them are completely different from each other, when it comes to character, likes & dislikes. Now, if at all the guy gets an opportunity to work somewhere else other than his home town, he moves to that place and starts living with his wife. But the guy is keen to live with his family that comprises of both his parent’s & wife, and he never finds the new place as his first choice “home”.  Occasionally when the girl goes to her parent’s house– she is treated as a guest (since the day 1 after her marriage).  

In other words,
#1 house where she lived with her parent’s          -  The feel-like-home factor is not there anymore, as the parent’s themselves treat her like a guest!

#2 The house where her in-laws live                    -  Is new to her, which she would obviously take some time to adjust. The feel-like-home factor would only improve by time, as the understanding between her and her in-laws would improve over a period of time.

#3 where she and her husband live                      - Is where she actually finds herself to be at home, but her husband constantly says that it is his second home.

If your wife is having the above problems, then trust me – your wife is in having ‘home’ crisis.

So, few questions were put forward during the discussion.
·         Why is that girl always finds herself in home crisis? The only place where she finds her space is where she lives with her husband (#3 in the above case) but what if her husband doesn’t feel the same way?
·         Why is that the girl is treated like a guest in her parent’s house soon after her marriage?

If I keep myself in the guys situation, it is pretty difficult to answer these questions. First, we are never treated like a guest when we go back to our home town. Getting the ‘guest’ treatment at the in-laws place never hurts us simply because we are indeed guests there! And I would love to see myself living with my parent’s and my wife together. Perhaps that would be my first choice ‘home’.

Who is wrong then? The guy or the gal?
In this case I don’t think either of them are wrong. They are right when it comes to their situations.
For the girl, she is right when she expects her husband to feel the same, as far she doesn’t ignore or completely against the thought of living with her in-laws.
And she is also right when she expects not to be treated as a guest(which honestly what I feel as ridiculous) in her parent’s place.
On the other hand, for the guy – he is right when he thinks that the home is complete only when both his parent’s and wife are parts of it. But, if it is not possible for the time being and when the parent’s can mange without him – he should at-least not crib about it. Although his intensions are not wrong, this might not go very well with his wife.

What is the solution then?
Hope & Time!

First, you hope that the compatibility between your wife & your parent’s improve by time. Because, when it matters, you have to be with your parents.
If you have to live separately due to your work (which has benefits of its own) don’t crib about not finding it as a home or it is your second choice. (few things are worth keeping inside your minds ;) )  
Try to improve the feel-good factor or feel-like-home at the place where you are living, not only for your wife but also for yourself. (You see, peace of mind is mutual :) )


shimmeshine said…
So true !!
This usually happens in Indian homes, the guy who always cribs about his first home, wants his parents and wife both; the wife feels her first home is where her husband is, and feels ridiculously strange at her own home after the marriage...
I wonder, would this problem be ever solved !!
The guy feels he is a sandwich between all and the girl too feels the same....and they cant talk about it coz it cant be solved :P
Damodar said…

The most useful post for all the married guys, I would say. This post should be read at-least once by married guys.

As I have seen some families having problems between wife and in-laws, most of them might be due to the reasons you mentioned.

Hope you keep enlightening us more ;)

Shantala said…
Ended up here from the link you posted on FB. While trying to put in my comments here, it sparked off an article from my side that you may want to visit :
- Shantala
Prasanna Rao said…
This is true and I would like to elaborate
1) After marriage, a girl visits her parents house like once a month or even less, so parents may treat her as guest and also Indian mentality is such that many feel that after marriage a girl's house is her husband's & not her parent's(What Blah, I don’t support this).
2) The same goes for her in-law's house, if the couple lives separately. Since they go for once a month visit, the girl may not be comfortable living there. So again, she may not think of it as home.
3) Home is where a person can just be, you know, where you have the freedom to do as you wish without any restrictions. And as a girl I think it’s where I live with my husband, my own home. Before marriage, it was my parent’s house and now it’s my own house. Again it’s my personal opinion and I am not talking for all girls.
We have our own home in Bangalore for which we pay a hefty EMI, so I dare my husband to call it as his second home :). BTW when we had a rented place, my husband used to make me give my permanent address as his house in Shimoga and not my parent’s house in Mlore:)
Sorry for the long comment, but excellent post Mr. Padiyar :)
sunil padiyar said…
First of all, welcome to 'through the eyes...'.
Thanks for your thoughts :)
And yes, I agree with that... sometimes we do feel like a sandwich.. :)
sunil padiyar said…
ha ha :) me and enlightening you guys? :P well, I am not that qualified damu.. ;) and thanks for your comments :) but yes, I will keep sharing my experience and the experience of others that I come across :)
sunil padiyar said…
Welcome to "through the eyes.." shantala... Thanks for sharing your blog link. Will surely go through it...
sunil padiyar said…
Prasnna ma'am, thanks for your thoughts... and please don't mention if its long or short! I mean, they are valuable for me!!

And some very nice points that you have mentioned here, which I did miss in my post. I totally agree with all of them.

"We have our own home in Bangalore for which we pay a hefty EMI, so I dare my husband to call it as his second home :)"
ha ha :) I can understand :P

Thanks again!
Anonymous said…
I'm amazed @ d way u r convinced dat u understand how married gals feel. N den u still hope dat ur wife wil adjust wid ur parents someday. If u had understood hw dey feel, u would nt hope dat. I pity ur wife!
Do u really think she doesn feel bad when u can stay wid ur parents 4ever bt she cant? N still u expect her 2 stay happily wid ur parents? U no ur parents wont adjust. Ur wife has 2 adjust everywher. Dat's nt called home. If u luv ur wife, u wont let her suffer lik dat.
Ask urself a qn. Do u take relocating decisions urself or u discuss wid ur wife? I bet u don't. If u do, u hv some hope my frnd. Otherwise I feel bad 4 ur wife.

I likd ur other posts. dissappointed wid dis 1. Don show off dat u understand someone's feelings wen u dont.

Vandita (other options nt workin, so opted anonymous. rectify it)
sunil padiyar said…
Hi Vandita,

First of all thanks for your feedback.

I read my post once again and I am not sure what made you feel that - I have convinced myself that I understand the feelings of a married gal completely.. and I don't think I am showing off anything here!! Am I!?

In any case, that's not what I intended to do or what I have in mind.

Yes, it is hard for the girl that in most of the cases she can't live with her parents forever... and to be honest the feeling is the same for most of the guys, if they have to live separately for any reason. But, living not together doesn't mean you aren't caring for them... this is true for both the guy & gal... I missed this line in my post.

On one of your point I completely agree that when it comes to adjustments - it has to be mutual. It is not just for the girl but also for the in-laws and even to her husband. Only then they all can live under one roof (if they want to)

So basically this was not to show-off that I know the feelings of a married girl and the proposed solution is the best.. this was written considering a guy who wish to live with his parents & wife together... I have nowhere mentioned that it has to be done with force and by hurting anyone's feeling...

P.S: I hope not to disappoint you or any of my readers in anyway. At the same time, your feedback is valuable for me and are highly appreciated.
Devashish said…
Really Nice views - devashish

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